dancing with demons

I want to die.

All my life I’ve been floating, drifting.

I’ve unfurled my sails and let the winds blow me where they may. I’ve had my adventures. I’ve seen places others have only visited in dreams. I’ve experienced the beauty of different cultures many times over. I‘ve had my conquests; my share of wine, women, and song.

But it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. I’ve weathered storms strong enough to leave me bruised and battered. I’ve lived through terrors both imagined and real. I have been becalmed in waters I did not know; and gotten lost in waters I thought I did.

Now, I just want to die.

Very poetic. But, no, you don’t. Ha! Who are you kidding? We’ve go too much of a good thing going here. We're happy and content. Would you really throw it all away? You won't. You don’t have what it takes!

I’m tired.
I want to stop running.
I want to rest.

I want to look at myself in the mirror each morning and look myself straight in the eye without too much of an effort, without too much self-doubt; I want to got to bed at night and not wrestle with memories of what could have been and dreams of what could be.

I want to be free. Free of you.

You will never be free of us. We are You. You’ve painstakingly built us up, piece by piece, in your own image. We are the result of your yesteryears… of all your joys and sorrows, successes and defeats, pride and shame. You won’t destroy us. You can’t destroy us. We are your armor against the world.

I don’t intend to destroy you. I go to seek my true self.

Not in the physical realm from which you claim to shield me, but deep inside myself…in the inner space you draw your strength from. I intend to journey to my heart and embrace you, my shadows. I claim you for myself. Once and for all.

And the deeper I go and the darker it gets, the more you become real; yet the more I hold you close, the less significant you become. Your substance will dissolve in the twists and turns you yourself have unconsciously designed. You will no longer hold sway over me.

We spent years protecting you. Do you think that embracing your shadows will make us go away? We are your shadows...we know. Do you think that loving a person who betrays will reveal your Godhead? Do you think that speaking your secrets will win you a place in her heart? Do you think that perfection can be attained with the writing of a few words? If you do, then you are a fool!

I am not doing this for her.
Or for anyone else.
Or for anything else.
I am doing this for me.

Secrets can still be secrets even when they are shared; and perfection is the process, a journey and not the destination.

They say that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I take that step now.

I go to die.